Perspective in Suffering

Today Shaun and I left church early. The smell was much to strong for me and I needed some fresh air to counteract the migraine that was starting. So we went for our usual Sunday drive to look at houses. As we were driving I was flipping through channels and came across Southlands sermon this morning. I only caught the end which was about struggling during your suffering to rejoice in others miracles.

I started to think about this in my own life. My health hasn't been the easiest go. I've been through months without breaks from vicious migraines. I've been frustrated morning and morning again when I wake up in the same pain. I've also rejoiced greatly in that one day where I was pain free. I have tried everything the doctor every suggested and then some. I have changed jobs, I have been to all the specialists, I have changed my eating. I have spent months of my life sleeping away my pain and barely living. I am now at a stage where when I get my migraines they are bad but they are coming much less frequently. I rejoice in this season of rest! But have peace that they may get worse again and I will be okay. I can live in this pain. He will give me the strength.

But while I was listening to Ray speak I was brought to tears. I am so incredibly grateful that God has allowed me such perspective during my pain in life. (I want to call it a season because that indicates that there will be an end but after over half my life I have accepted that this will likely be my thorn and that is okay) I cannot remember a time where I felt hatred or blame towards God for this pain. I rarely feel any bitterness towards those who don't understand the pain I go through. I have always known beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am blessed and they are many in this world who suffer through much worse than I could ever imagine.

As I though about my perspective I immediately thought about my Chelsea Beth. See growing up right next to someone who truly suffers, it allows you to realize how blessed you are to only have migraines. See I don't have cancer raging inside my body. Chelsea was never meant to live past six, so every day we get with her is a miracle. She beat the cancer she was never supposed to beat, and though it is back she still fights through chemo every day. But it's not just cancer. Chelsea Beth has epilepsy so as she fights through chemo her seizures get worse. In spite of all her pain and suffering Chelsea still has the most beautiful soul I have ever encountered. She is full of such joy and hope. She loves with such reckless abandon, we could all learn from how this beautiful woman loves. I never remember Chels complaining when we were younger, I`m sure it happened but all I remember is her taking needles and pain like a champ. I remember her smiling and laughing. I remember how she had a huge crush on my brother (and likely still does, he`s a stud!) I remember how she stole the affection of every one she encountered. So how could I think my life was bad when I grew up next to someone who suffered with joy better than anyone I have ever met.

God has also allowed incredible timing in my life. See when I went to Africa I was truly changed. My whole world view was transformed and opened. I never want to forget everything I learned while I was out there. It was only after coming home my migraines spiraled out of control. Through those months of darkness I continued to keep everything in perspective. I had a warm bed to suffer in, I had ice packs when I needed them, I had heat packs when I needed them, I had a hospital with drugs that helped when I needed it, I had a mom to give me countless massages to work out the tension, I had a husband who cooked when I couldn`t. See it`s easy to know that every day 30 000 children die of starvation or preventable diseases. But once you meet those children it`s not easy to forget. And once you know their names you will always remember that they are suffering with nothing and no one to help them. So how can I complain about my migraines when kids are dying in pain every day with no one who loves them.

Through this all I am so incredibly grateful that God has allowed me this perspective. He has given me this gift so I have no been bitter or resentful and so that I can still enjoy life and those around me. I truly pray that through all of our struggles our eyes will be opened with Godly perspective. Because when we keep it all in perspective it is so much easier to struggle with joy and hope. When I think of Chelsea Beth, or my beautiful children in Africa who I love so much I can handle that migraine. Because it is only a migraine and though Satan gives me that pain I won`t allow him to take my hope and joy with it.

Small Blessings

You know those little moments throughout the day.

Those small moments that can easily be written off as coincidence, or can be acknowledged as blessings from our creator.

How easy it is so strip those moments of their special blessings by simply saying it was coincidence or that it worked out nicely.

But let me tell you when we choose to acknowledge that someone bigger had intervened in that situation it can truly change your day or your week.

I had lots of those situations this week and I'm so thankful that my eyes were looking for them and immediately thanked God for each and every one of these blessings.

This week I ran out of 4 of the different vitamins I daily take. It is usually a pretty expensive trip to the pharmacy to restock. As I went in Saturday I discovered there was a one day sale (Saturday one) and all vitamins. What are the chances? So what should have cost me almost forty dollars instead cost fifteen. Immediately I began to thank the Father for this small blessing.

They all count, and they are all from Him.

Even the littlest of moments, as insignificant as it may seem is still a gift from Him.

Every good and perfect gift comes from the Father.

So let us Thank Him today.

Life Lately

I apologize that the blog has been super quiet lately. I've been reading a lot instead of blogging, which is a good change every once in a while.

Last night I spoke to a group of youth, I've just become a youth sponsor and really want to be able to allow God to use me in whatever way in the lives of these kids. I've been learning so much about being thankful (mainly through Ann Voskamp's book "one thousand gifts" which is life changing) so I decided to share about thankfulness.

I actually felt like it went really well. They laughed and didn't look super bored the whole time, they also didn't whisper to their friends, which is my biggest fear when talking to kids. Satan really didn't want me to go (really bad migraine) but I put speaking at a priority and went home early from work to rest up. I'm thankful I did that because I really felt like I needed to be there and to share with these kids. I also got some key time to connect with some of the youth which is really valuable to me. I really pray that they got the message and that God will use His Word to stretch them to be more like him.

God has been working lots of miracles around me lately. And my eyes have been open to see them which is the best part. I'm so thankful that my health has finally taken a turn for the better. And my job is also heading in a direction where I can handle it better. These were two huge trials in my life and I'm thankful that God promises to never leave us even in the hardest times.

I have a CT scan next Thursday if those who read this blog could pray. It is just to confirm that my migraines are caused my anxiety not a tumour. I am at peace, usually I would be freaking out and losing sleep, but God is giving me peace that it is all in His plan and I trust Him in that. I won't find out anything right away but that is okay, somehow I'm not worried about anything.

My husband has exams next week, which means I haven't seen him for the last two. He is buried up to his ears in text books. You could pray for him to have wisdom and peace as well. We planned a one night get away next Saturday after his last exam. I'm pretty excited to have him all to myself without any distractions for a little bit.

I'm going to leave you all with a little bit of my talk on thanksgiving.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

...Mary gives us a perfect example of living a life of gratitude.

Put yourself in Mary’s shoes. You are thirteen years old and you’ve just found out you are pregnant. What would your gut reaction be? What are your parents going to say? Your finance is definitely going to leave you because you have never touched each other. This isn’t 2011, there is no emergency clinic, and there is no adoption option. Add on top of all that, some angel just told you that your son is the Messiah. The long awaited Messiah is growing in your stomach. No pressure or anything. Would you yell at God, scream that He chose you to make this sacrifice. You have to give up everything because He thought you worthy to carry His son. There must be some mistake. But how did Mary respond? 

 “My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Saviour for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed, for the Mighty One has done great things for me— holy is his name.” Luke 1:46-49

And then she goes on to list all the things God has done for her and her people. Wow. Now that is a life of gratitude. Amidst all of the worry and crazy thoughts in Mary’s head, which were there because she was human, she chose to thank the Lord and rejoice in him.

Jesus also gave us the ideal example of how we are to respond to hardship in our life. At the last supper, before Jesus was to be betrayed and crucified he shared bread and wine with his followers.

“And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, “This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.” Luke 22:19

He gave thanks for that which symbolized his body breaking at the cross and his blood being poured out. How do you give thanks at a time like that? How do you not question God’s wisdom and run wild in the opposite direction?

Jesus knew something that is so important for us, his followers to learn. The hard things in life, the things that cause our bodies to break and our blood to pour out, those are the things we are to be thankful about. Those are the times where we must practice the habit of living a life of gratitude and acknowledging the good of Gods plan not our own. Being truly thankful doesn’t mean just thanking God when it’s easy and when there is a lot to thank Him for, it is thanking Him when He has taken it all away and left us with nothing. This is true gratitude.

I also want to tell you guys how God started to teach me about how to be truly grateful in all things. It happened in Africa, where most of my large God realizations have happened as of late. We got a new baby in the orphanage. Her name was Peace and she was sick. Aids ravaged through her body as she was fighting pneumonia. She was dying. This beautiful nine month old girl was dying. I began to spend all my time with her. She barely ate so I would fight for hours to get her to take back even the littlest bit of formula. I knew that this precious baby had to be bathed in prayer and so as I held her I would pray, I would cry, I would just repeat Jesus’ name and when I found I didn’t know what to pray anymore I would just thank God for things. 

Thanks God for her eyelashes, thanks God for her beautiful fingernails, thanks God that I have the opportunity to love her, thanks God that she kept down an ounce of formula today, thanks God that her poop was a little less yellow and a little greener. I literally thanked God for poop, Africa and dying babies does weird things to you. I began to bathe her in praises to God. I remember when the nurse came up and told us, you know sometimes you just lose some, it is better to let go. I thank you God that we are going to prove this nurse wrong. I thank you God that Peace is going to beat this round of pneumonia, which she did. I thank you God that Peace is going to gain weight, which she did. I thank you God that Peace is going to smile, which she did. I came home. Peace was doing great, my friend Ashley had taken her as her daughter and she was getting fat and healthy and being a normal baby. 

A couple months later I got a message to pray urgently as Peace had taken a turn for the worse. I emailed everyone I knew to get them all praying. I was certain God would heal this precious girl another time.

I remember when I got the news that Peace had died, that precious baby girl had gone to be with Jesus. I remember sitting on my bed crying after I got the news. And I was about to start asking God the whys, you know why does He allow suffering, why does He allow poverty, the list goes on. 

But instead in that moment I couldn't ask God the whys instead I just began to thank him. I thank you God that she impacted my life. I thank you God that she died in a loving family. I thank you God that she is no longer in pain. I thank you God that she had given me a passion for the AIDS crisis. It was a habit. That I would thank him no matter what. Because His will is always perfect.